how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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