Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
