My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
