Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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