I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
