So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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