im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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