I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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