Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
