OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
