yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
