My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
