"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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