My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
