dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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