Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Alive.
So much puke
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
