I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I looked at my own cervix.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Randomize
