You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
They have beer where we have blood.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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