How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
