I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
