you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
