I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
