He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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