Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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