bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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