Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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