I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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