Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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