He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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