I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
