We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
