Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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