The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
