My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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