Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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