I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
