I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
