I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
