party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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