I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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