Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just pee around me
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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