I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
