I must be too annoying 4 u.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
