Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
