Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
