I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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