wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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