every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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