Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
