I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
