his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
