I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
